I still sometimes wonder who the anonymous poster was from 2 or so years ago that seemed to know me so well and be utterly disappointed in how I was turning out. There's only three people I can think of that I might have disappointed so badly. I hope they've forgiven me or moved past it in some way by now.

God's love for me is not diminished by pain I experience.

Glibly telling someone that miscarriages and infant death just happen and you can always try again, is akin to telling someone that if their spouse dies "Don't worry, you can just remarry."

1. Married life is good.
2. I aquired numerous emotional wounds in 2006 and now have difficulty making friends or venturing into deeper relationships.
3. I hide from God (refer to point 2).
4. I haven't painted in over a year.
5. I work.
6. I like my in-laws.
7. Family is more important.
8. I won't join facebook.
9. God is still with me.

So, to update, the marriage certificate is all corrected, even after they sent it to the wrong address. ;)

I've changed my name in most places, but some are more of an effort than others and so, I'm leaving them be for a while.

Christmas rapidly approaches.

I'm at work.

Ciao

Chris and I remain unlawfully wed, as it appears that our request for correction on our marriage certificate has been lost in the mail. There goes the $25 and time it took to meet with the lawyers. Lather, Rinse, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat.

ARRRRGGGGGGGGGGG.

Sometimes God brings about conclusion, no matter how hard I try to avoid it. I fear the disappointment and hate of others to the point that I avoid people whom I feel I am consistently failing. I do not know how, or even to begin how to connect or relate to someone whom I feel is disappointed with me. This of course, causes major issues in relationships. If I can make it through their disappointments or have faith that they are more happy with me than their unhappiness with me, I can maintain a level of intimacy. If, however, I feel that their disappointment in me outweighs any joy I might bring them, I become unable to connect with them and thus aggrivate the situation. What makes this the WORST is that it is based on MY feelings - which are not always the most accurate. People who are disappointed with life in general are difficult for me to connect with because my feelings find it difficult to distinguish in what direction their disappointment is directed.

A lot of time passes between postings. That's just how it is with me lately. I don't sit on the computer at home much and I find I don't have a lot to say either.

Being married is wonderful. It takes time to settle in, but Chris makes it easy. He's off for a bit as school doesn't start until the fall. He's got a course in August for a couple weeks, then back to work. He's trying to pick up some shifts at EA in Abby or Langley while he's not working for the school district. Do School District employees collect EI over the summer?

For the first year of our marriage, we've elected to be as unattached to other responsibilities as possible. Chris won't work a 2nd job and we're not too concerned about him working for the next 5 weeks. He's been cleaning and organizing our place, which makes life SO nice.

I got back to work yesterday and now I'm trying to write all the thank you cards, help Chris with organizing his MC stuff for Warren and RaeChelle's wedding, and occasionally call up friends.

The heat has been difficult to deal with. It's not too bad, but it definately makes me less up for 'doing' things. Chris and I went to the gym yesterday to cool off in the pool. ;)

Things feel different in a number of ways, but many things also stay the same. I look forward to having my name changed on all my documents and accounts.

Thanks to all of you who helped with the wedding. It was an enormous success. Only one glitch, but that resolved pretty neatly. I can't wait to see and send out pictures!

Luv,
Mrs. Hawthorne

Chris pointed something out yesterday, but I didn't realize how deeply true it is until just now.

I do not trust myself.

God help me.

I am unable to deal with others disapproval of me.
This leaks into my perception of others disapproval.

When faced with disapproval, and I cannot know what the cause of the disapproval is or have the chance to clarify the situation, I turn inwards and desire to shut off from all relationships.